tears of a clown

Some women tend to "put on a Happy face" even when they are crying and dying inside.  In my past life (pre-stepmotherhood) this was NOT something I ever did.  I was a hard hitting, independent woman who said what she meant and meant what she said.  If I was unhappy about something in my life...I changed it.  If there was a negative person in my life...I eliminated them from my social/work circle.  If I had a problem I found a solution and all was well.

Now as a StepMother I find myself acting happy when I want to scream.  Biting my tongue to save hard feelings in my marriage.  Feeling unhappy and not knowing how to change it without giving up the man that I love and want to partner with for life.    I am associating with the most hateful, spiteful and ugly people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing and do not have the choice to completely eliminate them from my life (refering to the BM and family not the SKIDs).  I have a problem and the solution is beyond me. 

I hear the same platitudes day after day..."by letting it bother you....she (BM) wins".  Although exactly what she's winning I still don't know and if her life is so empty that the highlight of it is "winning" this imaginary war with my emotions then she is more certifiable then even I thought.  "All 'Mothers' feel the same way as you do"...really?  Then why do they keep having children???  They feel powerless, overwhelmed and under appreciated...wow!  That's a job I want to sign up for...I'd rather keep my career in business where I at least get paid to put up with the BS.

When I take time for me I feel guilty and when I don't I feel bitchy...my husband tells me "life is hard and is not always fun."  Well my life was not THIS HARD before and most of the time it was fun.  I made my own rules for my life; chose the people with whom I interacted; worked hard and spent MY money on ME!  I had a spare bedroom that I turned into a walk-in closet for my clothes and multitude of shoes (now my shoes are in bins...yes bins...ugh...under the bed so there is room for everyone's stuff) and if I did not like doing something...I didn’t do it.  Now I "suck it up"..."take it on the chin" and keep trudging on...I never imagined myself as a trudger...I was more of a skipper...

So then why do it?  Why not walk away and go back to my simple, fun, single life?  Why put up with the BS from the BM and her family. Why give up my new pair of shoes for clothes for the skids?  Why live in Suburbia when all I want to do is just relax, have a drink maybe do some dancing at a supper club...

For love?  Is love enough in the end?  For companionship?  Is companionship worth it? 

In the end I do it because I love and am committed to my husband.  The kids are good kids and I DO love them.  But knowing these things does not offer a solution to my putting on a happy face when I want to cry...

My solution?  I have started doing the things I did BEFORE...b4 skids, b4 BM, b4 school plays and skinned knees.  I am getting out with my girlfriends for drinks and my DH and I are going out for nice dinners (one of my favorite things to do).  I am clawing back the me that he fell in love with and that I felt good about.  Am I still doing the suburban things? Yes...but on a smaller scale.  Finding time to do what makes me happy makes me a much better wife, SM and person.

No more tears of a clown for me...I am looking for my tears of joy and I am not going to stop until they are the only ones I cry.