Resentment. A dirty word??

As a stepmom of three with no kids of my own I often feel overwhelmed and even, if I am being honest, a bit resentful. 

Resentful...what a horrible sentiment.  Did I actually just say that out loud?  What will people think of me?  Am I a horrible person for feeling resentment toward 3 young children? Do I even know what I am feeling resentful about?  Does it mean that I do not love my husband and appreciate the fact that he has children, a fact I knew full well before I chose to marry him. 

 Is it 'okay' to feel like my life is not what I had expected, not the happy family life that I grew up with?  Not the sophisticated life of a professional woman?  It is instead somewhere in between.  I have a family filled with children who are not my own and I work as a professional person yet have no extra to buy myself something because the skids need...so much.  So then I gave up an unfettered life in the city for a life full of baby Mama Drama and work hard not for me but for a family of children that I did not give birth to or adopt.  Who wouldn't feel resentment sometimes???  Who wouldn't think at time 'what the hell have I done..."? 

So then the question remains, does this make me more of an "evil" stepmom than a Not so evil step mom?  Or does it just make me human?

I have struggled with feeling guilty about my feelings for a long time and recently came to terms with my feelings and understand that it does not mean I do not love my skids.  It does not mean I don't accept my life for what it is, what I chose for it to be.  It means I am just a person doing my best in a less than ideal situation.  A situation that no one is prepared for.  Who thinks when they are a little girl "when I grow up I want to fall in love with a man who has three children, a crazy bitter ex-wife that hates me, is financially hamstrung by the same and I especially want my first year of marriage to be wrapped up in the crazy that ensues from it all". NO ONE! 

So when I sat down and examined my feelings of resentment I found the most interesting thing.  I do not resent the children, I love and enjoy them.  I do not resent my husband's past and the fact he was married and had children before me, we all have a past especially when you marry in your late 30's.  I don't even resent the fact that we have decided not to have children of our own, three is enough for me. 

I figured out that I resent the death of the dream that I had for my life.  I resent the fact that I was unprepared and completely blindsided by the reality that my 'dream' idea of my life as an adult was completely off base and not what was in the plans for me.  That I am not in 'control' of what is happening in my life all of the time, there are people forced in to my life who I would not ever want associate with and maybe I have something to learn from them.  I guess I am in mourning for the life I thought I wanted.  What a surprise to find out that the life I was destined for is completely different then the life I had planned. 

I am not so hard on myself now when the feelings of resentment start to rear their 'ugly' head.  Instead I allow myself the feeling of being secure in the understanding that I am happy with my life, it is merely not what I expected it to be.  And let's be honest in most cases the unexpected life is what we really needed all along.

NSESM