Don't shoot the messenger

How are messages relayed in your home?  Are the DH and BM mature enough to keep the kids out of it and just let them be kids?  Or do one or both of them make the children unwilling participants in a stuggle for dominance? 

In my case the BM uses SD9 to relay any message where DH may not agree.  She tells her and waits for SD to tell us...or lately she has actually been telling SD that it is up to her to tell her Dad.  DH on the other hand relays all adult issues personally and NEVER makes the children tell their Mother something that should be relayed by an adult.

I have searched my mind and soul trying to understand what the BM accomplishes by doing this that she may see as a positive.

I have found NOTHING!  SD told me it makes her feel scared, worried and confused.  I told her it was her job to be a kid and have fun to which she answered "and to be happy...right?” In this particular situation the BM was interfering in DH's decisions during his custody and SD knew full well that she should not be doing so.  When she asked her Mom if Daddy knew she received the response that it is up to her to tell her Dad.  This placed a nine year old girl between a rock and a hard place or more literally between two people she loves in a no-win situation for herself.

This has been an on-going issue for the past 3 yrs...started when SD was 6.  No matter how many times DH asks/tells BM not to do it and reiterates the effect on SD he is ignored and she continues this damaging practice.  How do we stop this for good?  We can not put a gag on the BM (although it would be very nice if we could) and we can't control what she says/does to the children.

In the end we are doing the best we can by letting SD know that she is not responsible to be the one who tells when Mom does something that she shouldn’t or be the one that has to be a go between in their communication.

I told SD that she should talk to her Mom and tell her how it makes her feel and that the next time BM tries to get her to be the messenger or says things about her Dad or me that make her sad and worried to ask her Mother to stop and to speak to her Dad instead.  Hopefully SD will be able to do this (her Mother's actions have made her a peacemaker) and perhaps it will stop. 

I am certain we will hear about me "over stepping" boundaries by telling SD to not let her Mom do this...but I am a big girl and I don't mind taking the heat so SD can feel like a kid instead of a messenger.  And at the end of the day if BM did not pull this kind of crap I would not need to be there to pick up the pieces.